- 8:33 pm - Fri, Feb 22, 2013
- 41 notes
Beautiful Creatures (2013) ✩✩✩
Gatlin. A real town in the fictitious state of South Carolina. That’s possibly wrong information, but I’ll tell you SOMETHING for nothing. Rearrange the letters in ‘South Carolina’ and you get ‘Holocaust Iran’, and what does THIS tell you? That coincidence is a made up word and anagram generator is obviously time well spent.
Living in the despair of his dead end existence, Ethan Wate recurrently dreams of a girl he’s yet to know. You’d think he’d dream of a chick with slightly bigger boobs and a nunchuck based fetish, but this is Holocaust Iran, you don’t dream big, let alone a D cup.
As Ethan enters his junior year of high school, newcomer Lena Duchannes closely resembles the girl of his dreams. THIS IS MADE CLEAR FROM HIS DRAWINGS, but don’t let them confuse you just because they bear a STRIKING RESEMBLANCE to that sewer rat from The Ring. Both need to thoroughly condition their hair. As Ethan drives home he nearly runs over Lena who’s stranded at the side of the road. He soon learns that Lena is a ‘Caster’, an individual capable of practicing magic and on her sixteenth birthday, she will be claimed by either light or dark forces. Ethan tries to save Lena from being consumed by dark powers whilst trying to figure out how and why they are both connected.
I watched this film not having read the book and was pleased to discover that it didn’t come from the mind or colon of Stephenie Meyer. Nor did she star in it which makes a change because Taye Diggs and I thought very little of her in Brown Sugar. But It’s difficult not to equate Beautiful Creatures to The Twilight Saga considering they lie in a similar genre bracket. But I can safely say it had a quality that will evade it from being pigeonholed as emo-teeno-sexual shite.
If you’re going to see this film, look out for Emma Thompson. She stole the show as I did when I arrived with gold whilst the others merely brought fucking frankincense and some SPICE. What’s he going to do, make a fucking curry? He’s fucking zero years old.
So go watch! I don’t have a lot to say about the lead stars apart from the fact they didn’t repulse me. Alice Englert looked like the byproduct of a collision between Emily Blunt and a windbreak, and I praise Alden Ehrenreich on his enthusiastic hairline and use of dental floss.
- 9:37 pm - Sat, Feb 16, 2013
- 79 notes
Les Miserables (2013) ✩✩✩✩✩
I know I’m a little late to the game reviewing Les Mis, but up until now I’ve had inconsistent respect for it; just like Amanda Byne’s attitude towards pedestrians. I had absolutely no idea what the story was about, and I had only assumed it followed the lives of forlorn, despondent lesbians living in Ilene Chaiken’s interpretation of 18th Century France. I was right.
Who knew Maximus Decimus Meridius was actually more concerned about the safety of bread than his wife and son? And who could have expected Hugh Jackman to mother Karen Smith, “Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.” This leads me to Hathaway. They took her hair, they stole her tooth, but what doesn’t kill you makes you STRONGER. Then she died. But as Rosie rightly pointed out, her gap tooth had no effect on her diction which is exactly why she won a Golden Globe.
The love story between Jean Valjean and Javert is a touching yet turbulent one. A love that couldn’t be it seems. Sometimes yeast changes everything and sacrifices are made in return for a seeded loaf. I’ve always wondered why lesbians such as Russell Crowe could never drop a grudge. Now I know. He’s a woman unlucky in love.
A fantastic film with all age appeal, where the adaption from book to stage to screen is highly accomplished. My high expectations were matched by consistently strong performances, breathtaking set design, and inspired camera work. If there’s anything the film lacked, it was this.
- 1:27 pm - Wed, Feb 13, 2013
- 44 notes
Wreck-It Ralph (2012) ✩✩✩✩
WELL IT’S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK GUYS. I apologise, this has NOTHING to do with my review but no one has EVER given me the right set up to justify saying it.
If I had hands as large as Wreck-It Ralph I’d be wreckin’ lives by wreckin’ boobs. What better way to begin than with a highly irrelevant and incongruous statement.
Disney have created a world far more edible than deceitful wax fruit, with mystery that surpasses the blind corners of Rosie’s fallopian tubes, and that’s one hell of a cuterus. I’d drop a synopsis but quite frankly I feel I’m above it. Just like Jesus and his “I have two Dads but it’s totally ok for me” snobbery.
Over the past few years my expectations of Disney have been slightly lower than usual, largely due to the fact Brave was about as entertaining as a scrotum, and life has made me expect far less after I discovered Shirley Phelps was my real Dad.
There were some truly lovely touches within this film, with laughs on equal par with Rosie’s dildo being mistaken for a firearm by airport security. I’ve read mixed reviews of Wreck-It Ralph, and even though it may not be the film of this generation, it definitely deserves more credit than it’s been given by the minority of critics. Just like the time I was vastly unappreciated in ‘Nam. It took more than ONE of us to get Bubba’s gums the fuck outta there, so credit where credit’s due.
It’s definitely worth a watch and it’d make a great first date film! Your partner will assume you’re sensitive and you can abuse that for sex.
- 6:07 pm - Sun, Oct 7, 2012
Okay so hi, baaaasically, it’s my birthday today and one of my friends had this t shirt made for me. AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I shall wear it everyday for the rest of my life because it’s that cool :) Oh and I love your videos majorly (I have a t shirt, that’s commitment!) Anyway, wanted to show you and all that… Sara xx p.s. I know this is kind of not related to your tumblr but who even cares?
- 8:53 pm - Wed, Aug 22, 2012
- 29 notes
Brave (2012) ✩✩✩
Holy good God, Brave was more disappointing than my best man’s speech at the Degeneres/de Rossi wedding. (I had a lot to drink and I dropped the word ‘fumunda’.) I was expecting WONDERFUL things from Pixar’s 13th cinema release, but all I was left with was a weak and tedious plot, frustratingly uninspiring characters and little to no quirkiness or charming absurdity. This film was SAFER than Michael Cera cloaked in bubble wrap. In fact, it was completely spiceless and I’d imagine if I ATE IT it’d taste like paste drawn from the teet of Donald Trump.
NOW DON’T GET ME WRONG, if anyone’s a fan of Pixar it’s me. Their creativity goes above and beyond even my own colourful imagination, and I’m continuously stupefied by their ability to create fresh and innovative ideas and fun filled films for all the family. HOWEVER, Brave failed to break any form of convention and its flimsy story lifelessly manifested into something completely forgettable. I felt EXACTLY like Andrew in Buffy Season 7, “I’m bored. Episode One bored.”
The trailer excited my nether regions, and yet Merida, the feisty flame haired princess, turned out to be nothing but an animated cliché. “OH I’M SUCH A TOMBOY PRINCESS, WITH MY NON BOOBS AND MY LOVE OF ARCHERY, YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHO TO MARRY.” Well get over it Poca-no-tits because yo’ mamma’s laying down the law.
I wasn’t expecting this film to be centralized around a mother/daughter relationship. I was expecting there to be some sort of tear jerking life or death CRUSADE requiring something to be BRAVE about. As you can sense by my mildly aggressive tone (as aggressive as Nicolas Cage driving ANGRY) I was far from impressed. Despite the slightly unorthodox lack of a love interest, nothing else seemed particularly ground breaking. I found it neither humorous or engaging.
But I bet she’s a spitfire in the bedroom, God dayum.
- 4:05 pm - Tue, Aug 21, 2012
- 20 notes
Ted (2012) ✩✩✩✩
When you were young, did you ever make a wish on a falling star? An ‘uncle’ who wouldn’t graze your boob at Christmas perhaps, or the ability to single handedly eradicate disease epidemic or Liza Minnelli? We’ve all made wishes, however big or small, but how many of our wishes have materialized into a straight Taylor Lautner?
So let’s talk about Ted. Seth MacFarlane’s a walking, talking BEAR, Mila Kunis is a walking, talking BABE and Mark Wahlberg’s also there. I was sure (as sure as I was that I’d break the world record for quickfire mime artistry) that this film would be the suspicious stain to my Monica Lewinsky. In other words, I’d enjoy it so much I’d be willing to jeopardize my Presidency.
Despite moments of ENTIRELY CRASS HUMOUR, I laughed harder than Tim Burton in the face of live action cinema devoid of Johnny Depp and poorly applied skin makeup. Rosie criticized the film for being a romantic comedy badly concealed by inconsistent humour. I criticized HER for being a REPUBLICAN badly concealed by inconsistent Obamaisms.
I was unsure about Mark Wahlberg. He lacked presence and comic timing. I also thought his elbows were too high, and at times I couldn’t see them at all and this bothered me more than I’d like. Seth MacFarlane’s directorial debut was a TOTAL SUCCESS; a bigger success than my 2004 make money QUICK scheme that involved painting orphans in neon colours.
There was one absolutely PRICELESS line delivered on behalf of a fish that has me laughing even during my worst. Like the time I needed to go to my HAPPY PLACE when I hit that fatty with my car. It’s a must have DVD and a film you could watch on loop. I give Ted four stars on the Dixometre simply because Mila Kunis said the words, “There is a SHIT on my floor!”
- 12:36 pm - Mon, Aug 13, 2012
- 14 notes
When you hear the sound of thunder, don’t you get too scared. Just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: “Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can’t get me thunder, ‘cause you’re just God’s farts!
- 10:46 pm - Fri, Aug 10, 2012
- 21 notes
The Dark Knight Rises (2012) ✩✩✩✩
Wednesday evening was DATE NIGHT and Rosie decided to take me on a late night cinema EXPEDITION to see The Dark Knight Rises. We caught the 11:30pm showing to avoid the smell of human MUSK, teenage boy body butter and moist armpit DEW. I was concerned my geriatric style tiredness would cause me to Christian Bale, but thankfully I perked up when there was talk of Karamel Sutra and Baked Alaska, my two favourite positions. FLAVOURS.
It was late. I wasn’t sure whether or not I could handle a 3 hour epic which I assumed would be dialogue and eyeliner heavy. In fact, I had little hope that I’d be captivated by the plot, BUT AT ALL. But I was wrong. I had to put my disliking of Christian Bale firmly aside for two reasons. One, for the greater good; how am I supposed to star alongside him as Scat Woman in Seth MacFarlane’s 2013 series spinoff, when there’s off screen CONTEMPT. And two, for my physical health. Each time I rolled my eyes in disdain, Rosie heard it and slapped my bitch ass. She keeps her pimp hand strong.
Eight years have passed since Aaron Eckhart’s face caught fire, and Bruce Wayne is living in reclusive retirement. Batman has slunk away and the city seems content with the explanation provided by the authorities; that he’s too gay to function.
The streets have been clean since Harvey Dent’s ‘heroic’ last breath, but now Tom Hardy’s feeling testosteronie and plans to destroy Gotham with his bulging biceps and penis army, all the while attempting to bring last season’s respiratory chic back into vogue.
His character, Bane, has immense onscreen presence and force, but unfortunately his diction and CLARITY was sacrificed by his fashion suicide facial accessory leaving his threats as “Gotham’s reckoning” lost on me.
Hathaway played a convincing Cat Woman, and thanks to the grooming of Julie Andrews, she was sassy and sophisticated, agile and nipple confident. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s performance was strong throughout, and I’m happy to see him back on his feet after Zooey Deschanel gave him 500 days of pure romantic BLISS, only to rip out his heart and strum along to Sweet Disposition with it.
I’d give The Dark Knight Rises four stars on the Dixometre, but if you’re a fan of Tom Hardy’s lips, this film isn’t for you.
- 11:47 pm - Thu, Aug 2, 2012
- 4 notes
I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Tammy Baldwin. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.
- 10:32 pm - Mon, Jul 30, 2012
- 17 notes
Magic Mike (2012) ✩✩✩
I never knew just how much Matthew McConaughaaay could make me physically ILL before watching Magic Mike. That being said, I never knew just how much CHANNING TATUM could provoke my desire to become a male stripper and put my vagina in a penis pump. As I sat in my seat, accompanied by Kirsty, Alanna, and my uncontrollable girlfriend, I feared, as the only lesbian PRESENT, I’d be lost. Lost, like Kristen Stewart in a sea of smiles and MORALLY UPSTANDING PEOPLE.
How wrong I was. I was completely captivated by man hunks and DONG STRINGS. Everywhere I looked I could see a whole lot of GOOD LOOKIN’ and even as a flaming bona fide HOMO, I could appreciate HOT when it was THRUSTED INTO MY RIGHT EYE.
Magic Mike is based on the real life experiences of principal star, Channing Tatum. If you were expecting this film to involve card tricks and wizardry, you’d be wrong. The only thing being pulled out of a hat is a bunghole or tube steak. Tatum plays a 30 something striptease artist with the dream of owning his own firm that produces custom built furniture. I don’t mean to mock a brother’s dream, but my ambition of owning a postal service that delivers mail via naked babes on a slip ‘n’ slide would have been much more adaptable for screen. But I’m having a hard time convincing Warner Bros that You’ve Got Femail has what it takes.
Mike meets 19-year-old Adam, played by Alex Pettyfer, on the construction site he works on by day, and introduces him to the stripping business. SOUNDS A LITTLE GAY, but it totally isn’t. Adam is seemingly lost with little ambition, no drive and the world’s most obnoxious sister in the form of Olivia Munn. Turns out, would you believe, that Adam has an innate talent to flaunt his manliness on stage and the bitches love barely legal boys with beards. But shit goes cray-cray when Adam gets involved with the mafia and a drug deal that ends up in money loss he can’t repay.
Despite Rosie squirming every time Tatum pulled a penis pop ‘n’ lock, and Pettyfer performed a penetrative double peck pump, this film was STIMULATING even for moi. Great dance routines and a good overall cast performance made Magic Mike completely watchable from start to mildly abrupt FINISH. And to round up this review I’d just like to add that I’d look fantastic in a jock strap. Far better than Rosie.